by Linda Rogers
What in the fuck does that really mean?
Okay, I'm going to tell you what that means to me.
If you're reading this, you're probably into searching, seeking, looking for spells, answers, questions...because that's everything that wonderful Raven's Wing has to offer. Or perhaps you're like me, where you just can't get enough of the lovely souls who pour so much of themselves into that place, and you just want to spend as much time as you can around their energy, just hoping to God some of it rubs off on you.
I think that's why so many of us find our way there. We're searching for something. Sometimes we know exactly what we're looking for. Sometimes we just know something inside us wants more.
That's exactly where I was.
For me, the answer didn't come all at once. It came through years of searching, questioning, reading, learning, and honestly just trying to figure myself out.
About ten years ago, there was something inside me that knew life wasn't supposed to feel this hard. I couldn't have told you exactly what I was looking for, but I knew I was looking. Every book, every class, every workshop...I just kept absorbing information because something deep inside me knew I needed to change. I just didn't know what.
Then someone asked me a question.
"What is your vision?"
I had no fucking clue. What is my vision? What does that even mean? What is any of our visions? When I really sat with it, I realized the thing I wanted most in my entire life wasn't success. It wasn't money. It wasn't a better job.
It was belonging. To actually feel like I belonged wherever I went. And that was something I honestly had never felt.
Growing up, one of my parents believed in punishment through humiliation. Shame became the emotional climate I grew up in.
I remember one afternoon I was outside talking with some neighborhood boys, feeling "cool." I'd forgotten to put away a basket of laundry. My dad came storming out of the house screaming, threw the clothes all over the front yard, and yelled at me while the whole neighborhood watched.
I don't remember much about the laundry. I remember the shame.
Then there was growing up in church. Every Sunday we'd strike our chest and say,
"Lord, I am not worthy to receive you."
Seriously...what are we teaching people? Of course we're worthy. Every single one of us is worthy. Creator, Source, Spirit, whatever word you use, is already inside of us. At the time, though, I didn't question any of it. Those words simply echoed what I already believed about myself.
When I was in elementary school, we were playing Follow the Leader. When it was my turn to lead, I remember walking around the playground, trying to be goofy and make everyone laugh.
They didn't follow. Instead, they stood there pointing and laughing at me.
The story I created wasn't,
"Kids can be cruel."
The story I created was,
"If people are paying attention to me, I'm going to be embarrassed."
And somewhere underneath that became another belief:
"I'm not meant to be a leader."
One little moment...
and it became a story I carried for decades.
These may seem like small moments. They certainly aren't the biggest hardships I've lived through. But sometimes it's the smallest moments that quietly shape the biggest beliefs we carry about ourselves.
And when I'm really honest with myself, for nearly four decades I rarely went anywhere social without something to take the edge off. A gathering. A party. A concert. A museum. I always felt like I needed something just to walk through the door.
Honestly, if you could drink it, smoke it, snort it, or swallow it...
I was in, no questions asked.
Looking back now, I can see I wasn't chasing alcohol or drugs. I was chasing relief. I was trying to quiet the stories I'd believed about myself for so many years. It wasn't until years later that I realized none of those behaviors were actually the problem. They were responses to the beliefs I'd been carrying all along.
When I came across the Hawkins Map of Consciousness, I learned that shame sits at the very bottom of the map, the lowest level of consciousness. I remember thinking,
"Well...that makes sense."
I lived there for a long time.
My vision is still belonging. It's something I still teeter-totter with all the time. Those of you who have ever seen me walk into an event at Raven's Wing by myself should know it still scares the hell out of me sometimes. And to every beautiful soul who's ever walked up and started a conversation with me...
Thank You. You honestly have no idea what that means to me.
What I've come to learn through years of searching, studying, and honestly just trying to figure myself out, is that our energy is shaped by five things:
Our thoughts.
Our emotions.
Our relationships.
Our environment.
And our daily choices.
Looking back now, I can see those things were shaping me long before I ever knew they were. The stories I believed shaped my thoughts. Those thoughts shaped my emotions. Those emotions influenced my choices. My choices influenced the relationships I stayed in and the environments I kept putting myself in. And all of it reinforced the same belief:
That I didn't belong.
The beautiful thing is that if our energy was shaped over the years by our thoughts, emotions, relationships, our environment, and our daily choices...
then it can also be reshaped.
And when your energy changes, your life changes too.
One thought.
One relationship.
One choice at a time.
- Linda
Today’s message was written by friend of the shop Linda Rogers!
Linda is a certified Reiki master teacher, sound bath healer, spiritual life coach, and intuitive energy healer. In addition to hosting a healing sound bath here at The Raven’s Wing on the third Sunday of every month, we encourage you to check out her other services! More information can be found at Healing Tiger Reiki